yogamom79

SO its day 7 without contact from the hubby.  Everything feels surreal. Like freedom after a long jail sentence I really don’t know what to do with myself. I have plenty to do, but it just feels so funny. I’ve lived under his thumb for so long, that I just want to do everything, and all at once. But I also want to do nothing, just because I’ve taken care of everything all this time.  Have a couple of guys interested, but I really think I need alot of time to sort this out. I graduate with my associates deg. today and my sister is taking me out. Its going to be a long day, food wise. Just ate some popcorn and I’m bout to run next door and get some water. I’m dying. Hopefully everything will get sorted out soon.

I just read my last published blog entry from nov. 2010. WOW has my life changed since then. I’m still fat, but hey, one step at a time, right? I have a job I love, am in the process of a divorce, and graduate college on tues.  Finally got past that 230 road block, since I’ve working I’ve lost about 20lbs. I know what has brought all this change about, and that is my job. I’m working at a truck shop as a servise advisor. I really enjoy my job, I make enough money to pay my bills, and I’m surrounded by men constantly. I don’t get enough sleep, but its ok. I can’t tell you how good it feels to have someone look at me, and tell me I’m pretty, and flirt. It is so lovely. The hubby was not impressed by my newfound confidence and he soon showed his butt and I had to kick him out. I think he is bipolar.  Its only been 6 days, but  I think I’m doing ok. I know its going to be hard, but I’m gonna make it. Not studying on another man anytime soon, but I hold out hope that there is a man that will love me for me. I have a five year plan that includes lots of therapy, and time for me. I haven’t done real well on my eating these past two days but I’m going to be better… I need sleep:)

Today has been a horrible day as far as food and excercise have gone. I glutted out on carbs, and didn’t workout at all.  I sat down to write this because I just blew up my vaccuum and I just needed to vent.  I can fix it, but lets face it, I don’t want to right now.  I realized today that I have been living vicariously through my husband.  I am isolated and I am lonely.  I miss having my own friends and life.  I have even developed a bit of a social disorder because I expect people to find something wrong with me or disappear from my life.  I have gotten so used to shutting people out, its happens unconsiously.  This realization came to me because of incidents that happened this weekend.  My husband’s bosses stayed with us and went hunting.  One of the wives came and we got along well.  I found myself trying to incorporate myself into these people’s lives, even though I have only recently met them.  Funny thing is, even though they are great people, I am extremely uncomfortable and akward around them.     I am really worried that I am passing this same ungainly presence to my children.  And it is frustrating that, I have grasped on to being this woman’s friend so ardently.  Not that she isn’t nice, but I have done this so often, making friends through my husband.  It is so unfair how women and men differ so much in friendships as we get older.  So, I have decided, that I AM WORTH having friends of my own, that I’m not related to, and with whom I share common interests.  I am also missing my husband today, because I find myself asking “What kind of life are we living?” when he’s gone all the time, and I’m basically a single mother who has a miniscual support group.  What is the point of being married if we can’t share each others burdens and be together?  I wish I could find a job. Then maybe he could find one where he could be home and we could actually be a family.  We had alot of fun this weekend, its so rare that we do anything together.  I don’t tell him these things because he’s stressed out all the time already and I’m sure it would only make it worse.  So having put it all out there, I will go fix my vaccuum now, and find the silver lining in all this:)

WOW, did I have a bad day yesterday… I came in under 2000 cal. but I ate like 72 grams of fat. OUCH.  I took my kids to Chick fila yesterday as a treat because they have been so good and that’s my son’s favorite resteraunt.  We have to drive about 35 miles to get to one, fight horrible traffic and construction, and then my gas light came on while I was sitting in traffic.  Luckily, I drive a little car so you can still go about 40 miles after the light comes on, but boy, was it nerve wrecking. After all of that, I got sick to my stomach, and lost everything I ate, but I still have to count the calories and fat, life’s not fair sometimes:)  I guess I just need to stop eating out period because everytime I do I get sick. I didn’t get any actual excercise  except my husband came home(ya, I know, but you gotta count all you can:).  So, I’m a little dissapointed with myself right now.  I didn’t get up and walk this morning because I’m tired, so that exertion last night cost me some time this morning. But I’m not regretting it.  Just have to work hard to find time today to squeeze an actual workout in.  Research paper due Monday and Spanish test, Hubby’s boss coming to stay so he can deer hunt, gotta take the big truck over for maintenence and get girls ready to go to the aunt’s house. At some point I will have to retreave all of them.  Its going to be a long weekend:)   

WOW. I just realized today that I could track evrything I eat and do on here and it categorizes it all neatly and without my chickenscratch handwriting.  I know, I know, its sad and pitiful that I haven’t figured that out before now, but I have issues.  I’ve been doing well, somewhat. I lost down to 231, but then my husband was on vaction for ten days and I gained back up to 235. Sad, I know, but we do not coexsist very well when neither of us have something to do. he stresses me out majorly and, you guessed it, I’m a stress eater.  I need to be sleeping right now, but my little brother is taking his sweet time doing laundry.  I haven’t been getting enough sleep, but I hope that will get better now that the hubby has gone back to work.  I need a job too, but I went to the employment office this week and the people there told me I pretty much waste my time going to college, because I haven’t had a job in 4 years, nobody is going to hire me. LOVELY. So maybe some depression is mixed in with that stress eating.  I am going to change my life. I can’t do this anymore.  I’m so tired all the time, and I’m starting to have health problems and I don’t even enjoy things I used to, like playing with my kids and talking to my family.  I am not funny anymore.  And I don’t laugh anymore.  This bothers me alot. But it will be ok, I am going to get better. 

Been up at five most mornings this week, running , yoga, belly dancing, and jillian video. What have I accomplished? I’M SORE. and I feel really good about it. I took my off day today because I had to go to dallas to meet up with the hubby. Back to running in the morning, maybe a little yoga. He bought me a new MP3 player for when I go running. sometimes he is good. sometimes. Our 10 year anniversary is coming up, I was hoping to have lost a little more by then, but it doesn’t look too good. Ah-well, I tried.  sometimes i think my body is conspiring against me. Or maybe just my fat cells. their all in cahoots, plotting against me when I eat or look at food. I’ve been taking better care of myself in general, taking my vitamin, aspirin, all the good meds that make me keep running. Wishing I was at home right now, but thats just cause I’m a freak. More on that later. 

Snargle- an imaginary word to replace other words. Int his case I’m using it for my title, because I can’t think of anything good.  I haven’t been on in a while, because I, well I don’t know why. I have gained a little bit of the weight back, but I have been watching what I eat better, and not just watching it go into my mouth.  I’m really tired. things have been getting better, but I’m still just tired.  I thought about getting on here earlier and I thought “I don’t have time, I have to do so many other things” and I realized  I just said I don’t have time for myself! And I guess that has been the way it has been my entire life.  I don’t have the time to do things for me, I don’t have the money to do things for me, and I’m really sick of it. I’m tired of not spending resources on me.  I work really hard for all the people in my life, and I love them and I love taking care of them, but from now on, I’m going to devote time and energy to myself.  I need friends of my own and time doing things I like and want to do.

So, it’s been a loooong time, but I have turned a page in my weight loss journey. And the people here have played such a major part in that transition. Because of finacial difficulties (We’ll call it NOT HAVING A JOB) I haven’t been able to use my computer. Those rat finks at the pawn shop are out for my blood:) So here I am in the library, with the book nazis and the masses of unwashed and decrepit old men who think this is a dating service, just so I could tell ya’ll how far I’ve gotten.  I’m very proud of myself. But I think about the people here everyday, so I had to tell you how much you’ve changed my life. I used to think I was alone with some of the issues I have, but I know that’s not the case.  And even though I’ve been in the technology wasteland, I still have like 100 emails from you guys when I get to come back.  I had serious thoughts that I was going through menopause earlier this month, but no such luck. My appetite has changed and the foods I crave as well. I’ve been working out like 2 hours a day in one form or another.  I know the 230 goal doesn’t seem like it would be that hard, since I’ve already lost it before, but believe me, that was some serious mantra-chanting, urge depriving work.  So if your reading this and you’re aready to give up, DON’T. You can do it, you can change your life and you deserve it. You deserve all the fabulous clothes, compliments and health benefits you are willing to work for. Keep on smiling folks, I’m back to the wasteland-I think I see a camel. (nope, one of the old guys just fell on his back, but he kinda smells like a camel:) I am wicked. 

I haven’t blogged in a while, I have been missing it.  There has been so much going on, I just haven’t been able to get this done. I know my health is important, so I’m starting again. I’m back up to 245, but I am positive.  All the bad things are slowing down and I am trying to refocus and recenter.  I have been keeping my journal again,and have started writing down not only what I eat, but what caused a gorge if it happens. The weather has gotten better, so that has helped. Baseball season is starting and my son is playing so I am working with him and playing with the kids in the yard alot.  I’ve let my school work slip a little, but I will get it back up. I’m going to have to withdraw from one class, but it will be ok. I won’t beat myself up over it, sometimes we all need to step back and review our lives. I am tired.  Thats what I’ve realized lately. Really tired. I laugh alot to hide it, but sometimes this tired is overwhelming.  It will be ok. I am the eternal cheerleader. YAY ME!

Wow. There has been so much drama here recently.  I’m not putting myself in it, I’ve got enough at home, but I do hope everyone can step back and breathe and just try to be nice.  We are all here for the same purpose. So that being said, I’m doing alright.  I’m hanging just above my mini goal, and I’ve had acold, so I haven’t done well this week as far as losing, but i’m feeling better and back on track with the 30 day shred.  Watched the Tiger Woods thing this morning, I know its pathetic, but I couldn’t help myself.  Then I got upset at Gloria Alred and “Veronica” or Victoria or whatever her name was.  Can someone honestly be so dissillusioned? She thinks he should have apologized to her personally by name. Does she have any idea what that might do to his wife? She still wants an apology in person or via telephone.  Can we say “crackhead”? I know crackheads who were watching and going WTH?  Anyway, its not my business, but some people, huh?  My husband and I have really done better here lately, I’m pretty happy right now.  I feel bad about being happy because no one else I know is, so I kind of have to not be happy around them.  Shelton’s latest way to encourage my weight loss is by using turns. As in- “Baby, you’re going to have to lose more weight, cause only one of us can be fat at a time and its my turn”:) I know this sounds mean, but coming from him it really is funny.  Maddie made business in the potty today, witch is a big YAY!!! cause I can see the end of diaper changes on the horizon!! OOOOOOO and I don’t think I posted since then, but I have a new Nephew- Ethen Gage. He was born 2-11-10, 6lbs.6oz, and 19 in. long.  He is pretty in that new-baby-alien-sort of way:) But I’m not changing diapers!!! The weather has gotten better thank goodness. So I hope to get out more with the kids and play. And summer will be here soon and we get to go swimming… Just trying to keep myself motivated.  Me in a bathing suit (shudder). I’m going to go wash my eyeballs… Ya’ll have a good day and a great weekend, I love ya all.